Things That Are Awesome: Body Art

I hope i can find models that are comfortable enough with their bodies to ad lib like this.

I'm Superbbbb at NOTHING!

just finished Fantabulosa! Kenneth Williams was a genius.

finally down to a steady 6 pound loss. i'm quite fearful of losing too much weight too fast. They say you start getting that "extra skin" if you lose 100 or more pounds. Thankfully, I don't have that much to lose but i've done my research and i feel like i should slow down once i hit a 20 pound loss. that is, if it ever happens.

i need to post before pictures. its not as if i'm too ashamed...i'm just too damn lazy.

-A.

Things That Are Awesome/True Life: I Have a Serious Crush on Charlotte Gainsbourg

I like men...and Charlotte Gainsbourg.

via foto_decadent

by Jean-Baptise Modino via photobucket

gained one pound, understandably.

had a meeting with a MUA and a stylist for a future shoot in Central Park, was crazy nervous but i hope it gets done. i'm waiting for word from the model.

kind of in a weird mood.

i'm thinking of posting some hopeful "before" pictures on here.

-A.

Total Weight Lost: 5.2 pounds.

Things That Are Awesome: Baldovino Barani for Tatler

images via foto_decadent

A Night of Sam Rockwell and Michael Sheen

Eating...not so well. My dad was in the hospital for a HOPINGLY minor thing on father's day so this was pseudo father's day, it's great for him. He's the best father. Not so great for me eating-wise...remember what i said about "special occasions!" cheesecake and ziti. blahhhhh.

down as of this morning: 6.2 pounds. (i will gain for tomorrow morning, undoubtedly).

i'm in the middle of a marathon of the awesomeness that is having no life: A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints (bleh), the Music Within (which i purchased only for Michael Sheen), Frost/Nixon, and now about to watch Moon because I'm always remembering the sheer genius of Sam Rockwell. I actually went as far as not watching the last Oscars because he wasn't nominated for the film...which is complete bullshit and speaks to the current state of affairs in well, any career.

Good news is I have a meeting with a makeup artist and stylist tomorrow for future shoots, not exactly testing with agencies yet but hoping to get there.

image post to follow!

-A.

Too Tired: Get it Hot Diggity Damn and Lickety Split

Abbey Leeker Shaw by Greg Kadel.

10 Things That I'm Crushing On: Videos

Michael Buble's voice.
Weezer- Pork and Beans and the cavalcade of youtube stars therein.
Make Homosexuals Marry!
Tao Lin's Ode to Amoeba Asses.
The Wonder Girls and how all their outfits look like they were bought at Wet Seal or Contempo (remember that store?!)
Petrilude's Attitude + Miss T + a Mix by JoshSource
"The Greatest" by Cat Power + a Scene starring Jude Law's ego and Norah Jones' beauty.
Kim Fowley before Michael Shannon Played Him
Old Man Fowley Unapologetic as He Eats Turkey During an Interview
AND LAST BUT DEFINITELY NOT THE LEAST:

BLACKALICIOUS' ALPHABETIC AEROBICS + TYPOLOGY

WHY THE FUCK IS BLOGSPOT SO FUCKED UP. i can't get this underline nonsense to go away.



And as a bonus...one day, almost three years ago, I was sitting on the subway when i spotted a sticker of Homeboy Sandman's. I hardly ever look up people that have random stickers all over the place but i loved his name. This is my FAVORITE thing he does, I swear I've watched different versions of this at least 60 times. He used to have a few videos on youtube and a makeshift website (for some reason I remember talking to him on myspace but I can't be sure) and now he's in XXL magazine. I add it because his rhymes are reminiscent of Blackalicious:

Verbal Soul Clap

his website is here.

A.

ALL IS WELL.

what news have you from the riddermark?

realized blog was missing something. will be posting twice a day--one with words and one with images.

WHEN KEEPING IT REAL GOES WRONG.

I would like to apologize to my 1 reader (i look at stats, i know someone other than me reads this damn thing) for my temporary lapse in confidence and poise (hah!) earlier. It was late at night, I was nervous about the impending doom that might be my career and what one does in such a situation is usually seek out people one feels are more successful and either HATE or SELF DEPRECATE. I would delete it but i think it might be the realist thing I post here: the post looses itself sometimes and stops making sense; its like a stream of consciousness.

I woke up the following morning with my inspiration back. I'm a completely different photographer than everybody else and i don't really think at this stage in my career I should be concerning myself with who's better, who has the look, who has the advantage. I just really need to "keep my head down and power through." fuck everybody else (not literally) all i need to be concerned with at this moment in time is keeping my morals intact + make money (these often conflict) + work hard (career-wise that is).

In the spirit of inspiration:


anybody that knows me knows that I am a major nerd and treat Lord of the Rings like it is a religion (saying star wars is better is fucking blasphemy).



anyway...back to what i was saying. I was struck by Peter Jackson's weight loss and how it seems to be the go-to thing to say wow, he looks really unhealthy. Is it just me or do people that lose a drastic amount of weight seem to look like crack addicts afterward (maybe because some of them are)? Either way, he's inspiring in every way, both creatively and physically. Although, I will have to forgive him for Meet the Feebles/firing Ryan Gosling for being too fat/Lovely Bones.

eating wise I've done okay, this has been a hard week with how busy i was and how dependent i am on just grabbing things and going when hectic times arise.

only down .3 more pounds :-(

Things That Are Awesome:

speaking of weight loss...Christina Ricci has been in the press more than a few times for weight loss. Mainly I include this because Ricci has such a photogenic face, she's one of those people that looks pretty unusual but when photographed/filmed it works to her advantage.

all images thus forth are via foto_decadent.

from Pop Winter 2004 (a dream magazine to shoot for.) why can't i find a photo credit for this?!

via datelinehollywood.com

Ricci ain't no crackhead.

-A.

blah.

SON OF A BITCH!!!

all's well that ends well. Got an exorbitant amount of exercise (pilates, workout type, braving through NY hot weather walking the damn streets like a dazed prostitute).

hot as all types of hell. i worked all day, traveled for about 4.5 hours and came home and went right to sleep. of course, i woke up @ 11 and was so hungry I inhaled some pizza (last time eating- 8am, pizza- 11 pm). (sorry the font is so damn big, as much as i like blogspot they have some serious flaws in the posting window.)

Total Weight Lost: maintaining.

I'll post a proper update tomorrow.


Things That Are Awesome

I'm kind of over the highly polished images of Steven Meisel but I loveeeee Daria Werbowy and nevertheless, Meisel is a beyond phenomenal photographer.





I included the last image not because I like it but because I don't, it seems like one of those images we'd do in high school, taking a prop, breaking it and the model kind of looking clueless. Once again, love Werbowy and Meisel and it just goes to show you, sometimes even the best photographers can't 100% pull you in all the time.

-A.

Network, Network, Network.

psh.

If you're beginning in the fashion field, you should know by now that it's all about networking. So what do you do if you're an overweight shy girl? I was recently checking out Hannah Khymych's blog. She's what? 17/18 years old and is already testing with Ford with a pretty banging portfolio. It's so damn overwhelming. There are thousands, maybe millions of photographers in this country and its easy to feel like they're ALL better than you... especially when so many of them seem to "fit the bill." I say this with only love and not jealousy, but Hannah could be a model herself, she comes with the thick-rimmed glasses, great style, and seemingly go-getter attitude. I'm of course, not reducing her to her appearance...

You can keep telling yourself it's all about talent but sometimes its even more overwhelming when you hear about someone like Hannah who has both talent and that je ne sais quoi needed in the fashion business. If you're too insecure to talk, I can't help but think...you're fucked.

Checkout her website here.

I'm starting to do some TFCD work within the next few weeks. I can't help but feel so much anxiety over it because I'm struck with so many things that can go wrong; including the constant fear that my social anxiety will get the best of me.

if you couldn't tell by my AWESOME mood, not a great day eating wise...not horrible but not great.

still losing though...

Total Loss: 5 lbs. (pretty good for less than two weeks, right?)

TIP OF THE DAYYYYYY-

Don't buy clothes "for when I lose weight." I literally used to have a whole closet of "skinny clothes" either clothes I used to fit in or clothes i wished i could fit in that i purposely bought to "motivate me." All it does is put more pressure on you and leaves you feeling more depressed if you ever step out of line. Personally, that depression is what makes me want to break down and begin my slow descent into "I can't do it." I sold most of my skinny clothes and the few that i kept I couldn't part with (including these throw back Grail lightwash jeans with the intricate skull on the left thigh. I coveted them so bad back when they were "in", I couldn't stand to sell them). Overall, most of those clothes are gone. I'm not doing it. I just want to stop thinking about how fat i am all day, come to this blog, let it out, and then go on with my life. I don't want to have a pair of size 25 jeans staring at me everyday telling me I suck.

I think the bright side to this is that i refuse to give up, I honestly could not see myself doing anything but photography and being healthy and slim in a Phillip Lim T-shirt dress (that one from maybe 2 years ago with the rosettes on it!) so...

A BABY'S GOTTA DO WHAT A BABY'S GOTTA DO.

-A.

I Think It's Going to Rain Today.

complete shit day. i started out with a long ass journey into the city. There was a brief ray of sunshine when I got to go to an awesome/fun editorial meeting. This was soon to be quashed. I had to make a semi-long journey to do a favor for a friend; I was happy to do it. By then, my gargantuan thighs were hurting quite a bit and the bulbous weight on my ankles combined with cheap Forever 21 gladiator sandals:

image via Forever21

were starting to test my sanity/patience. My Iphone soon died due to apple's inevitable and incredibly frustrating decreasing battery capacity. Due to my lack of a car, I depend on my parents to pick me up from the train station, since my leaving the city is unpredictable I need to call said parents to tell them when to pick me up. I decide to just get on the damn train and find a pay phone when i get back. Guess what?! My lovely hometown and city has no pay phones...anywhere. fucking ey. At this point I was forced to walk home with a huge bag full of books and some food...this is when it started pouring...and lightning-ing...and thundering (thunder only happens when its rainingggg)...

I had no umbrella.

Vasseva. it could have been worse.

Here's the best thing I ate today (along with some fruit and lots and lots of water...and one gatorade):


Red Bamboo Vegan Philly Cheese Steak...not exactly the healthiest but...a healthier choice than any of the debauchery i could have gotten up to due to my previous habits.

Things That Are Awesome:

via nysocialdiary.com

here's an interesting image by Jessica Craig Martin. I recently saw this image at a show at BAM. I think she's kinda poking fun at the fake protocol of upper east side New Yorker society. (sorry it's so grainy.)

Total Weight Lost: 4.5 lbs.

-A.

So Damn Late

It's really late to be doing this.
eating did not go well but wasn't as bad as it could have been, i was basically nibbling on this amazing tofu panang curry and rice the whole day and then my dad came home with pizza. i had half of a piece (which is bad...but okay considering i used to eat several pieces) MODERATION BITCHES.

I'm not a huge fan of Annie Leibovitz or P.Diddy but I am a pretty big fan of Vodianova and I gotta say Leivobitz killed it with the lighting and directing in this image.

Total Lost: 4.3 lbs.

-A.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE...I'M TIRED.

This is going to be a short post. I haven't been sleeping well and it sucks so badly. I feel like a zombie. "Everything's just a copy of a copy of a copy."

I was supposed to have a photo shoot tomorrow but the model canceled which i was both sad and glad about. :-( glad because I'm quite nervous and sad because I feel like she didn't take me seriously...oh well.

today: i did quite bad. i had a piece of wheat bread with egg whites and kraft 2% cheese, didn't eat much all day, and then had some thai curry & vegetable and loads of brown AND white rice.

Tip of the Day #2: Small Meals. This is a particular one that I just can't seem to follow lately. Having anywhere from 5-8 meals a day is so much better than eating two or three really big meals. It speeds up your metabolism, it keeps you full and therefore less susceptible to cravings. It's just hard to break lifelong habit/ritual.

Things That Are Awesome.

Elle Italy 2008
Claudia Pasanisi Smith
Tetyana Piskun







p.s.- I've been obsessed with Big Brother UK for a few years now and this year is supposedly the last year the BBC is showing it. It's so much better than Big Brother U.S. because it's ALL about people watching instead of plotting whose your favorite and rooting people on like your watching a football match. It's on the 9th episode so far and i suggest if anyone sees this either start watching or go back and try to find episodes because its fucking awesome.

-A.

A Special Occasion

The trouble with dieting or trying to eat right after eating wrong for so long is special occasions.
Holidays bring other people who don't have to/aren't bothered to pay attention to what they're eating. You're usually going to places you know have your favorite dishes and suddenly the choice between a salad and nachos or tomato and basil pizza is pretty hard.

My family is especially troublesome, whenever a holiday rolls around we make a week or a weekend about it. Father's Day takes a whole weekend, Mother's Day also (not that they don't deserve it), birthdays usually a whole week. Which means a whole weekend of eating.

Tip of the Day #1: When you find yourself on the lonely island of "i'm trying to lose weight" and find it hard to break former bad habits, the key is to make healthier choices. That could even mean eating two pieces of pizza instead of three or four and pair it with a salad. Water instead of soda. A semi-healthy salad instead of an over-fattening dish. No dessert or frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. You get the idea:

Today: 1 bottle of vitamin water, 1 orange juice, 2 glasses of water, half of a ceasar salad, two bites of mom's pasta, 1/2 of my dad's mashed potatoes.

Total Lost: 3.3 pounds.

Things That Are Awesome:

Drew Barrymore shot by Mert Alas & Marcus Piggott for Pop Magazine

So Briggite Bardot-esque. I love the bluriness and I'm wondering if this is shot on film or its digital. I'm thinking film but the last image makes me think differently. So. Fucking. Awesome.

by the way, if I haven't let on. I'm a photographer.

i'm not really going to make a detailed post today (consider it an apology to no one* for the length of yesterdays).

eating went well. exercise not so great...i'll go into that later.

i just watched this movie called Unthinkable. for some reason, it really upset me.

-A.

In Defense of Photographers.

Finally got some good sleep last night with the help of more than the recommended dose of Melatonin. I had a shit dream though, which I've heard sometimes happens when you don't really procure sleep...naturally. It was some of the most fucked up shit I've ever thought of, let alone dreamed.

I figure I didn't properly introduce myself. I'm *A* I live in a big city, I'm going to art school for photography. For the last three years I have been focusing on more documentary images/stories. Recently, I got an internship in the fashion/art field and I'm starting to lean towards that. I used to dismiss that whole world because I've always been weary of the heavily photo-shopped, drug induced, superficial world but I can't help but want to go out and stage images instead of them passing before me. I've always been interested in fashion, but as a shy, overweight, nerdy girl I've always thought I was unwelcome. One day I just said FUCK 'EM, if it happens; it happens.

Recently, i was on TheFashionSpot forum, which i both love and hate. I love that so many images, opinions, and information are available so easily and I hate some of the ways the posters handle themselves/the elitism of having to procure an "invite" to join the special club of "design team leaders" and "mod squad members:"

I often stroll through the "Behind the Lens: Photographer" section and recently I was looking at a Max Vadkul thread (who shot the above young Angelina Jolie). After someone posting about his/her dream to marry a photographer, I give you these found gems: "Nah...I've realize(d) all photographers are crazy...either completely insecure or ego maniacal...or BOTH...my last boyfriend was both..." followed up with "how very very true. I am fast getting tired of photographers."

HERE GOES:

1. I can't help but laugh at that the mere fact I was offended by these stupid generalizations because it does, in a way prove some photographers are insecure.

2. I'm struck with the constant judgments of so many people and how some can feel they can judge an entire population of any race, career, or religion based on a relatively small test group.


Max Vadkul shooting Yamamoto.

3. I also find it funny that these people can make such generalizations when they obviously haven't been in the fashion world that long/been paying attention because while I hate to be a cynic you'll find alot of people in the realm with similar character flaws.

4. Isn't insecurity and bloated egos the foundation of fashion? One is usually drawn to the art of the outward appearance through an insecurity yearning to be hidden/"fixed" by this art or the desire to show others how great they are (which one could argue egomania is one of the worst symptoms of some insecurities).

In many ways, I would argue insecurity and egomania are a prequisite to entering the fashion field. I would almost consider it a good thing. Good photographers should either be cocky enough to direct what is in front of them and trust any "taste" or "vision" that they have or timid enough to live their life through a lens, cultivating their eye.

I wonder if there is anyone out there that is completely self-aware.

Food.
I did OK today. I had an egg white sandwich on whole wheat bread, a salad with "chickenless protein-rich chicken" and part skim mozarella, some dark chocolate, an apple, and 2 strawberries. didn't do too well with water, I drank too much powerade.

I'm dreading a doctors appt. on Tuesday. As of now, i am the only one who knows my exact weight, considering no one probably reads this. I know they're going to weigh me.

Total Lost: 2.9 pounds.

sorry for the long post.

-A.

The Sleepless Night.

Today has been OK.

The good: My calorie intake has been okay. Today, I've had some dark choclate (85% cacao), broccoli w/ garlic sauce and very little whole grain brown rice, a couple of strawberries, an apple, and 42 ounces of water.
The bad: I'm shooting for a better water intake: it's good for my skin, its better for digestion/metabolism, and it will curb any false feelings of hunger. I really was hoping for about 6-8 really small meals to boost my metabolism but my insomnia kept me up until 8 am., I didn't get up until 2:30 and didn't start eating until 5. I ended up with a pretty large dinner with a lot of broccoli and some rice.
Total Loss to date: 2.8 pounds.

I'm sorry this post is so damn boring. I'm crazy tired but here is an awesome image from photographer Lady Tarin, a photographer I recently learned about through Dossier Journal:


















check out her website.

-A.

Fatty Warbucks.

"Going on a diet because of clothes is a completely different thing, it's a superficial reason; there's no obligation, nothing in your life depends upon it, apart from your wardrobe. ... You have to treat it as an unimportant challenge and that's why you succeed."
-KARL LAGERFELD.

As of this date I am at *** pounds. I'm 5 ft. 2. That sounds ridiculous. In my defense, I have pretty large...assets. upper assets. I don't think I look *** pounds but I definitely look overweight...possibly obese (I AM medically obese). I have been trying to lose weight for almost 10 years now. About 5 years ago I got down to 7 pounds away from my goal weight. And then...I got re-diagnosed with epilepsy and was forced to be put on medication. Due to a variety of side-effects, general malaise, and laziness, here I am 5 years later with an extra 57 pounds.

Its disgusting, I'm at risk of diabetes (that is, if i don't already have it), i feel lackluster, I am not happy. yet when its 2 am and I have a choice between chocolate cake and broccoli..."i could be so much more healthy" just doesn't cut it anymore. what does motivate me is the fact that i may be able to wear stuff like this:

Alexander Wang @ theparisinyou blog.


and feel completely comfortable. I think larger people can wear whatever they want...and some can really pull it off. I am not one of these people. I feel so physically uncomfortable with the way I look, I just can't rock layers and exposed arms&legs confidently.

There'll be more about me. But so far, I'm looking at this as a fashion/photography/diet blog centered on me getting off my fat ass and achieving the weight and confidence needed to do Wang, Lim, Posen, Opening Ceremony etc. justice.

-A.